Quotes by Woody Allen


Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Success

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

ReligionBanksFunny

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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree', probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sex

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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

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He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Depression

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